“When It Rains, It Pours”


Liz has success with men, which bites her in the ass. Jack realises he’s going to be an old dad and begins making videos for his new son. Tracy tries to attend his daughter’s birth. Kenneth haunts 30 Rock.

Episode Details

S05E02 (502)
First aired
View full dialogue
Robert Carlock
Don Scardino
Frank's Hat
Long And Twisted
[to Jenna] …hanging out with him is so easy —

Liz is talking about Carol, her boyfriend, played by Matt Damon. They also seem to be just outside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

Construction Worker
Hey yo! [Liz and Jenna turn] Back that — [jackhammer noise, he motions to his crotch] — and you can  — [jackhammer noise] — while I eat a — [jackhammer noise] — towel — [jackhammer noise, cups imaginary breasts].
Disgusting, sir! Would you talk like that to your mother? Or your daughter? Or your surgeon? Just because my friend is blonde and never closes her mouth fully —

I wish I could lip read. If anyone can figure out what he’s saying, let me know!

Never closes her mouth fully implies looseness of the mouthal region. I think you know what I mean.

Hey! I wasn’t talkin to her. I was talkin to you, glasses.
I bet you have — [jackhammer noise] — specific — [jackhammer noise] — infected penis.

Again. Please. I need a lip reader.

Confident, huh? So can I finally wear that cowboy hat I bought at KISS FM’s Lake Jam ’97?

KISS FM is actually a very popular radio brand name, most of which are owned by Clear Channel Communications in the states. You know. The formulaic hacks that play whatever they’re paid to play by big record labels? Them. There are three KISS FM’s Liz could be referring to:

1. WKST-FM, also known as “96.1 Kiss”, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, as Liz Lemon grew up in Pennsylvania.
2. WKSC, also known as “103.5 KISS FM”, in Chicago, Illinois, as Liz Lemon and Jenna worked together in Chiacgo.
3. WRKS-FM, better known as “98.7 Kiss FM”, in New York City (owned by Emmis Communications, not Clear Channel).

Considering the hat is from Lake Jam ’97, that would be the time when Jenna and Liz worked together in Chicago, so I think we have a winner.

Aaaaannd as far as I can tell there has never been a KISS FM “Lake Jam”, in ’97 or otherwise.

Um… The point is, being with someone makes people want to be with you. You know
Heyyy…. I want your feet in my mouth.

Filthy Hobo Man may have a foot fetish, but this also plays off Liz Lemon’s aversion to her own feet. Although Tina Fey also doesn’t like her feet that much.

Hello Javery. Time saver.

This is Liz combining “Jack” and “Avery” and refers to the irritating way the paparazzi mash up celebrity couple’s names into a single dating entity. Other nauseating portmanteaus include Bennifer, Brangelina, Vaughniston, and TomKat.

Lemon, we have news. By God, I created man.
We’re having a boy.

Clever wording spawned from Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image…” Jack being God in this case, and having created a boy. WIth Avery. Good on ‘im;)

Young Liz
[flashback to teen aged Liz in dad’s liquor cabinet] This is just what I need… to store my rock collection.

Of course a teenager, once presented with this situation, would proceed to get blind drunk on the old man’s liquor. Normally.

Lemon, I’m not an old dad. Fifty is the new forty. For me. Fifty is still sixty for women.
Whateves, Tony Randall.

I’m pretty sure the reference here is that Tony Randall (the actor) was OLD. He would have been ninety at the time this episode aired, ignoring the fact he died in 2004.

Whateves indeed, because that makes you… Jack Klugman.
Daaaaamn! I’m a writer, I’m messy, I’m a loveable curmudgeon! That is solid! Advantage, Donaghy!

The reference here is double. Jack Klugman also starred as Tony Randall’s roommate in The Odd Couple in the 1970s. Jack Klugman was 88 at the time this episode aired and is, in fact, still alive.

Klugman played Oscar Madison, a recently divorced sportswriter for the New York Herald, and was definitely a slob. I haven’d seen the odd couple, so I don’t know if he was a curmudgeon, but in the original play and the subsequent 1968 film, the part of Oscar Madison was played by Walter Matthau, a bona fide curmudgeon.

Do you remember my tattoo mishap? It was supposed to say “peace” but they wrote “white hooker” instead. I forgot I was getting it removed today, but someone slipped a note under my door to remind me.

This is a common meme, and I think a hilarious thing to do to someone who gets Asian characters tattooed on them despite the fact they have no personal connection to anything Asian themselves: you to to a tattoo parlour, ask for something in Japanese or Chinese, and the tattoo artist tattoos something hilarious on you instead. Of course, you, not being able to read the language, thank them kindly, comment on how beautiful their calligraphy is, and pay them.

If anyone can read what Jenna’s tattoo actually says, does it really say “white hooker”? Let me know!


[Kenneth can be seen in the background, sneaking around with what looks like a cape across his face]

Kenneth looks eerily similar to The Phantom of the Opera or Dracula, skulking around as he does in the episode. You can see his red CBS page jacket under his black hooded cape.

Liz, Tracy will not be coming out of his dressing room today.
Oh c’mon! What now?
I’m werewolfing myself.
You know when a dude knows he’s going to turn into a werewolf and locks himself into a jail?

They totally do this! I think this may be a prerequisite for werewolf movies, actually.

Well I’m embarrassed to say I missed the birth of both of my sons. For very legitimate reasons.
“Cooking a french bread pizza,” and “forgot.”

Totally a thing! And damn, this sounds good. I may eat one tomorrow.

So I promised Angie I will NOT miss the birth of our daughter.
She was due yesterday so we’re not taking any chances. Griz is guarding the other door —
And reading!

Looks like Griz is reading Kevin Grisham’s “Urban Fervor”. Kevin Grisham, if you recall, was the fictional writer of Jenna’s movie “The Rural Juror” by the episode of the same name (S01E10), in which they mentioned he was writing “Urban Fervor” as a sequel. I love that they put this in here because you have to PAUSE the thing to even read the book title.

Also we took Tracy’s cell phone, his wallet —
And my mood ring! And I don’t know how I feel about that.


Well, I’m glad you’re going to be there for Angie. Good for you.
And good for you, Liz Lemon. There’s something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.

Juuuuust like the hobo said earlier. But the other way around. Weird trend, this.

Seventy, Lemon. I will be seventy years old when my son graduates prep school.

A prep school is basically private primary school (grades 1-12), expected to be of a higher caliber of education for those who can afford to send their children there.

Will I even be there for his first subpoena? Will I ever experience the father-son bonding of realizing you’re both at the same masked orgy at a castle? I will be senile or dead for the better part of my child’s life.

Jack is implying his son would, of course, be a lawyer. The kind that issue subpoenas.

The masked orgy is a reference to Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, in which Tom Cruise‘s character ends up at a mysterious masked orgy in a castle run. However, he didn’t run into his son there, which would be incredibly awkward I’m sure.

This is a test of the fire system. Please evacuate the building.
You coming downstairs?
And stand outside in the crowd like some Italian? I don’t think so.

Italians HAVE been known to stand around in crowds. Though most nationalities have. I think this is some sort of weird non-slur slur.


[Again! Kenneth stalks the halls wrapped in cape and cowl.]

If I were a real werewolf, I’d wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn’t get all torn up. Same rule for if I were the Hulk. I don’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining break dancing and lunch.

This is a good point! It’s random crazy Tracy babble, but still! Points! The Hulk is a comic book character who normally is Dr. Bruce Banner who, when he gets mad, turns into a massive green-skinned monster of a man, shredding his clothes as he grows. And for some reason, no matter what Bruce was wearing, the hulk ends up with purple shorts. You’d think Bruce would wise up and just wear spandex.

[cell phone rings] Hello?
I’m at the damn hospital! Where’s Tracy?
Parle pas anglais. Quelqu’un doit vous avoir donné un faux numéro. Désolé.
What!? [groans]

Dotcom is speaking French. Good on ‘im! Translated, he’s saying “I don’t speak English. Someone must have given you a wrong number. Sorry.”

Dr. Spaceman
Good morning! Now, full disclosure

I LOVE that they use this guy for everything medical! It’s madness! He is, of course, implying he mostly just gets women pregnant. By having sex with them. And impregnating them. By having sex.

Ooh, I’m gonna kill that man!
Dr. Spaceman
You just described my morning. Now, Mrs. Jordan, I’ve already administered the epidural, so… would you like one as well?

An epidural is a procedure commonly performed on pregnant women to ease the pain of childbirth. A doctor will insert a catheter of drugs into the spinal column. It doesn’t go into the spine itself or even the cerebral-spinal fluid, but around it. It numbs feeling and pain. The doctor is not supposed to do this on himself. Like, ever.

[to video recorder] My son. You may not remember me. I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave, or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghy’s originally come from Ireland’s County Steve, where historically we were whisky testers and goblins. I was raised in Sadchester, Massachutches. I won the Amory Blaine Handsomeness scholarship to Princeton, and then attended Harvard Business School where I was voted “Most.” I once hit a stand up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person even to say “I need a vacation from this vacation.” The song “You’re So Vain” was in fact written by me. In other words I have lived. In living I have learned. And now I want to impart that knowledge to you. I will begin with the basics. You are hiking in the Japanese highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you and the blade of your katana is frosted into it’s scabbard.

NICE! The opening of this is from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, where Darth Vader reveals to Luke he’s Luke’s father. What? I ruined that for you? Where the eff have you been for the last 20 years?? They even used very Star Wars-eque music right at the start of this scene. Beautiful;)

There is no County Steve in Ireland. Ha! And goblins are little nasty mischievous creatures that inhabit dark places.

There is also no Sadchester, Massachutches.

Amory Blaine is the protagonist in Scott Fitzgerald’s “Scott Fitzgerald’s This Side of Paradise” and is an attractive Princeton University student who dabbles in literature and has the book’s theme of love warped by greed and status-seeking [stolen directly from Wikipedia].

Usually people get voted “Most likely to succeed,” “Most likely to be pregnant before 17,” or “Most likely to declare themselves Dictator for Life.” Jack… Jack is simply voted “Most.”

Stand-up triple: the most exciting thing that can happen in baseball (aside from cheerleaders — oh wait they don’t have those); the batter hits with bases loaded and only makes it to third. Everyone’s excited! Yaye! Fidel Castro, the former president of Cuba, played baseball as a boy, but probably never with Jack.

“I need a vacation from this vacation.” – VERY difficult to track down the original source. Any takers?

The song “You’re So Vain” was, in fact, written by Carly Simon. Though it would fit with Jack’s persona. Oh wait, that was the joke;)

A katana is a Japanese sword. I want to be raised by a man who thinks the basics are defending yourself against snow leopards in feudal Japan.

[knock at door] What?
What’s up Edit Seven gang? Ritchie. Donna. Ray..dee….

Edit Seven Gang? No idea. Can’t find any reference to anything like this.

Whatcha guys working on?
Piece for the Today Show about how next month is October.

The Today Show is a daily.. variety.. talk.. ish show… thing. I dunno I never pay attention to it. Apparently the writers think the same way.

[referring to the hockey jersey Ritchie’s wearing] Islanders, huh? So you think they’re going to end up trading Fran..son..den..?
Who, Matt Moulson? They should. I’m better than that clown.
So you play?
Do I play? I go to Islanders Fantasy Camp every year.
You must be a strong skater.
Well I can’t go backwards, but yeah, I’m good.

The New York Islanders are one of the three NYC hockey teams, along with the New Jersey Devils and the New York Rangers.

Matt Moulson plays center for the NY Islanders. I can’t read hockey stats well enough to know if he’s as bad as Ritchie says. Anyone?

Bob Bourne (who played for the Islanders in the 70s and 80s) actually DOES run an annual Islanders Fantasy Camp. Though Ritchie would have to travel to Kelowna, British Columbia to attend. Which he should. Becuase Kelowna’s gorgeous.

And if you’ve never skated before, skating backwards is almost easier than skating forward. But if you can’t skate backwards, you’re a crap skater.

[looking at a photo of Ritchie] Were you in the army?
Oh. [laughs] No, better. Civil War re-enactor. Kind of an expert at getting shot by smoothbore firearms. You know? [pretends he’s being shot] Like KAHH! KAHHR! KUGH! KUGH! KUGH! KOHH! HRRUGH! HUHHH! KAHHHH! KUHH! HUHR! KUHH! KAHHHH!! OOOHHRR! Death to Lincoln!
Oh, so, a Southern gentlemen?
[laughs] Well thank you, thank you very much.

Civil War reenactment is a big thing. People dress up as Civil War soldiers and reenact battles. As far as I know, they mostly stick to the script. The South still loses.

Smooth bore firearms are basically guns with just a straight pipe-like barrel, usually using a round projectile. After smooth bore, rifling was invented, which is putting spiraling grooves inside the barrel and using a more contemporary bullet-shaped projectile. The grooves spin the bullet which stabilizes it in flight, allowing it to go farther with better accuracy.

The “Death to Lincoln” and Liz’s “Southern gentlemen” tell us Ritchie is on the Southern side of the reenactment, which, in 1861, formed the Confederacy and attempted to secede from the United States. They attacked the North, and over the next four years were beaten to death. The end.

Yeah.. Yeah. Cool hat, by the way. Hey, you know what, let’s switch to the other deck. I forgot I gotta get those TGS titles done for Liz here. [winks]

Deck = video editing deck, used to edit together video.

I just gotta get to the hospital and wait there. Taxi! [taxi stops] Sir, I don’t have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
No problem, hop in.
Wow, just like I always say, white cab drivers are weird.
You’re in a Cash Cab, it’s a TV game show that takes place right here in my taxi.
Explain the rules.

Holy crap, Cash Cab is a real thing. I totally thought they made it up for the show.

Mount Sinai Hospital was founded in 1852 and sits on the northeast border of Central Park in NYC.

Your main titles, m’lady.
And this is a CD of some civil war songs I thought you’d like. It’s very authentic. So don’t play it around your black friends.

Again, Ritchie is on the side of the South in his reenactments, and the entire Civil War started because the South wanted to keep their slaves. Their black slaves.

Okay. It’s not a big deal. Ritchie has just been telling the crew that you two are… sleeping together.
Your new vibe is a double-edged sword. Much like the kind Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with.

I dunno what this one’s about. Mickey Rourke (the actor) has played a few big hulking characters recently, and was GOING to play Conan’s father in the new Conan the Barbarian remake, but he was replaced by Ron Perlman. That’s about all I can find.

Wait, you can’t say anything to him!
Are you kidding me?
If you do he’ll take it out on TGS! On us! I’ll be here waiting for edits till four in the morning when I should be at Home. Which is a name of a bar I found near the train station.

There’s no such place. There’s a Home Night Club, but it’s not that close to 30 Rock, nor is it near a train station.

A gift from France to the United States, the Statue of Liberty was completed in what year?
C’mon, I don’t know that.
You have fifteen seconds or you’re out of the cab.
Okay. I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial, cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip outta her toga, and I wanted to see some green boobies, and the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had threw a bottle at. That was 1986. And “centennial” is a hundred years, cuz centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it! 1886!

Yup. He’s right. 1886. And there was a Centennial in 1986. Ronald Regan was there. No green boobies, though. Though if you watch Ghostbusters 2 you get right up her skirt.

And yes, the New York Mets won the World Series that year.

Centepeding doesn’t mean that, but it may soon.

Weighing up to four tons, what kind of mammal is the famous Shamu?
SHE is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they’re very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.

Shamu is dead. Died in 1971. Seaworld just keeps using the name. Much like the Dread Pirate Roberts.

[to a video camera] Son, I may not be there for your wedding. It breaks my heart to realize that. But I want to offer you one piece of fatherly advice

Sting was the front man for The Police, but has since gone on to have a huge career of his very own. He DID quit The Police and immediately started into jazzy stuff.

The secret to a strong healthy head of hair is dove… blood.

Wicked;) Jack, of course, has luxuriously thick hair anyone would want to run their fingers through, and I figured he was going to say, oh, Dove Daily Moisture Shampoo, or maybe Dove Intensive Repair. Nope. Blood.

Achoo! Achoo!
Kenneth, what are you doing here?
I’m sorry sir, I was just sweeping your terrace and then you came in and I was trapped. Just like the time I was cleaning my closet and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed —

Grunting nap = sex. I can find no reference but I’m sure of it! Take my word! It’s sex! SEX I TELL YOU!

And Kenneth with the broom, his red page jacket, and his weird garbage bag cape makes him look a lot like Harry Potter off to play quiddich.

Brian Williams
And we have this just in to us
Andrea Mitchell
Thank you, Brian. [to Liz] Slut.

Brian Williams is the anchor of NBC Nightly News, along with Andrea Mitchell.

Who do you think you are?
Ritchie Tomodo? Islanders fan and role-playing slave owner?

A reference to earlier when Ritchie told Liz he’s a Civil War Reenactor. For the South. That owned slaves. Apparently he’s really into this whole thing. I bet he has a Confederate flag in the window of his basement apartment.

Liz, are you familiar with the phrase “when it rains, it pours”? I don’t meet a lot of women. Now, I started doing fantasy hockey camp and civil war re-creationism to meet girls. But I don’t know where they are. So. Yes. When you were nice to me I took advantage of it, to try to make someone else… notice.

Uhhh that’s because there are no women at these things. You might as well try to find them while LARPing, or Magic: The Gathering tournaments. Actually there are women at those things. Weird, right?

[packing] So many memories. [phone rings] Hello? Parcel in the squatter’s residence.

Kenneth is packing a framed photo of Fred Allen, a radio comedian from the 1930s-1950s, signed “To Kenneth, You’re the TOPS! – Fred Allen Feb 21, 1947.” Which means Kenneth is in his seventies?? WTF is going on here? Is this some weird stalking the halls, ghostly, “I have always been here” sort of thing?

He’s packing the photo into a box that reads “NBC Memories 1945 – 1967”.

The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know cuz I’m a descendant of Thomas Jefferson AND Lazy Susan herself!

According to Wikipedia, “here is no clear evidence as to the origin of the Susan part of Lazy Susan,” so Tracy COULD be right! Thomas Jefferson is credited with inventing the Lazy Susan, and he first invented a rotating book stand, which, if mated with Susan, could produce a Lazy Suzan!

The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that cuz if I go back there I’ll be executed.

This one’s true. I didn’ even have to look this one up because I used to live there. But this I didn’t know: you can be executed for the following reasons: murder, drug offences, rape,  treason, aggravated robbery, terrorism. And the last execution took place there in early 2008. Hmmm… which is Tracy guilty of?

There’re twelve tones in the chromatic scale. [singing] I know that be-cause I’m a musical gen-ius!

Right again!

And the tree was happy. Shel Silverstein was a communist.

Jack is reading from Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree, which is a fantastic book and you should read it.

Speaking of which, what the hell?? They have a Latin version of called Arbor Alma. Bizarre.

Shel Silverstein was not a communist.

And that… is the art of camouflage.

The shot is of an empty corner of Jack’s office. The scene is very similar to Monty Python’s How Not To Be Seen sketch.

[chuckles] Oh, Liz, you’ll find someone.
No I won’t. Not someone like you. How many guys out there have a fully loaded Toyota Tercel? Or a real pinball machine? How many guys have been to Canada… twice? Are you doing this to me because I don’t share your love of unicorns?

Fully loaded Toyota Tercel does not equal chick magnet. It just doesn’t.

Canada is awesome. No source available.

Unicorns are also awesome. Donna happens to be wearing a purple sweatshirt with a href=”http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000ICA73U?ie=UTF8&tag=wtw0a-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000ICA73U”>sparkly unicorn on it, but more importantly go right now and play Robot Unicorn Attack to the pumping 80s of Erasure.

Tracy Jordan! Hero! Husband! Diabetic slash alcoholic! Yes! [tries to open door]
Hold on, let me unlock it for you.
Am I pulling it right?
Just let go of the handle.
Ok. It’s still not opening.
Just stop pulling it!

I’m not really sure why this is, but you can’t open a door at the same time someone’s unlocking it. It just kind of gets stuck. The correct procedure is to step away from the door. Just leave it alone. Let the person unlocking it lock it again and then unlock it. Then all should be well. REMAIN CALM.

Well Angie, you did it. We did it. I was here for you —
[arrives and pushes Kenneth aside] — cuz I love you, baby. And I will always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn’t have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don’t know what I’d do without you. And I mean it. [Kenneth gives Tracy the thumbs up] Why’s that baby covered with goop?

Yup, Tracy’s referring to his Cash Cab ride, which is indeed on Discovery Channel.

Babies ARE covered in goop when they’re born. It’s called vernix, and it’s supposed to protect them or ease birth or maybe just be gross. Cuz if so good job cuz… it’s gross.

[to video camera] As you go through life, I will always be here for you through these tapes. Also, I have given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church, and have been assured that I will have certain powers in heaven. Sending you messages through animals, for instance. In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice… and then do the opposite.

Uhhh.. yeah some people actually believe this crap. NUTTY.

Though giving money to the Catholic Church for favours actually has precedence in the form of indulgences. Yeah that’s right — you used to be able to pre-purchase forgiveness for sins you plan to commit. Good business model.

I’m not going to be around forever, Tracy, so I recorded advice for every scenario my son could face.
Jackie D. You want to make God laugh, make a plan. Or read him a Dave Barry book. You aren’t about being old, Jack. You could live forever, but you still can’t predict what happens what happens in life. [checks bundle he’s holding] Wait a minute. There’s no baby in here!

Ha! When I first heard this I thought he said “Read a Muday Barry book.” Took me forever to figure out he said “Read him a Dave Barry book,” which is way funnier because Dave Barry is apparently a pretty funny author.

Bandannas are a fun, sexy fashion accessory —
This is over.
Just let me give my reasons! [Jack reaches to turn off the video recorder] Put potato chips on a sandwich!

Potato chips on sandwiches are delicious and this should be encouraged.

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