“Queen of Jordan”

Synopsis

Jack manipulates Liz into manipulating Angie into manipulating Tracy. This entire episode of 30 Rock is being aired as a "Queen of Jordan" episode. Susan Sarandon guest stars.

Episode Details

Episode
S05E017 (517)
First aired
17-Mar-2011
Transcript
View full dialogue
Writer
Tracey Wigfield
Director
Ken Whittingham
Frank's Hat
Deli Meat, My First Hat, Dot Matrix

This episode was shot in the style of a reality show. I hear this is because the writer, Tracey Wigfield, loves her some reality show.

And very exciting for you, I’m now an NBC Store affiliate! That’s right! You can singlehandedly help me get over a dollar per month of income on this site by buying stuff from the NBC Store through me. And they just added Queen of Jordan stuff! Queen of Jordan t-shirt, Queen of Jordan hat, and It’s My Way Till Payday t-shirt.

[Update:] I’m a little piss poor on reality TV, but reader Jasper is a little more informed:This episode is chock-full of references to ‘the Real Housewives of New Jersey’ reality show:

  • Stripper pole therapy: Danielle Staub
  • Table flipping: Teresa Giudice
  • “My family is thick as thieves” quote: Caroline Manzo
  • Weave snatcher extraordinaire: Ashley Holme

In other words, RHONJ is one disturbing show!

0:00
Angie
[voice over title] Previously on Queen of Jordan…

Ahhh Queen of Jordan! This was last metnioned in S05E12: “Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning,” and originally came from S05E11 “Mrs. Donaghy,” where Jack gave Angie her own reality TV series.

The individual-character-intro swirly funkadelic backgrounds look a lot like the show Love That Girl, which my wife’s friend is in so I’m not supposed to say anything bad about it;) Actually I haven’t seen it so I’m not qualified to judge.

0:17
Tracy
[photo shoot] I know the photo shoot for Randi’s dog’s funeral is the wrong place to tell you this, but uh… I’m going to Africa.
Angie
[photo shoot] [stares at Tracy in shock]

It was in S05E14: “Double-Edged Sword” that Tracy decided to go to Africa to make some sort of difference in the world. He didn’t actually go, though. He holed up on a sound stage and pretended he was in Africa. So I guess he’s still hiding out right now.

1:03
Jack
Oh Angie, thank you for coming in. NBC could not be happier about Queen of Jordan. For the first time in six months we beat ALL the music choice channels except of course Latin Beats.

Implying that TGS’ ratings are so low they don’t usually beat the music channels, which have genres so specific they can’t possibly garner huge “viewership.”  You know the ones, where you turn to the channel and the screen’s all black because it’s just there to play music, which always struck me as weird. Yeah, I know the cable companies are “leveraging their existing platform and market penetration to provide low-cost added-value services to their existing customer base,” but the screen’s all black. It’s TV. You’re supposed to watch it. It’s like parking your car in your house so you can use it as a radio. Okay weird analogy. Shut up! Music TV stations are bizarre!

1:45
Angie
Look, I love Tracy, but he is WORK.
Tracy
[flashback to Tracy’s head stuck in a banister] Angie! Look what the banister did to me!
Angie
Do you know how much of my time he wastes?
Tracy
[flashback to Tracy wearing just an open robe] Let’s role play!
Angie
[boat flashback] Tracy! We’re going to be late!
Tracy
[boat flashback] [holding a ship’s wheel] Our boat exploded!
Angie
With Tracy away it’s time to let Angie be the star. I hope Tracy doesn’t come home for months.

None of these are from actual previous shows;) Tracy must have had fun doing this episode. He just appeared in random weird ten second clips for the entire show.

2:03
Liz
Months? No. We can’t make it that long without Tracy. You can’t do this!
Angie
Are you giving me orders? Am I the waiter? Is this the restaurant that I’m opening up with Dennis Rodman and Webster?

Dennis Rodman is a retired NBA player knows for his bizarre behaviour, hair, and clothing. He was a wrestler for awhile, too. “Webster” refers to the 80s TV show and main character, a 7 year old black orphan played by Emmanuel Lewis, who was raised by white parents. I think Emmanuel Lewis is the new go-to for black little people (Lewis is 4’3”) since Gary Coleman died. It’s just not the same, though, as Coleman was a walking drama-fuelled reality show and Lewis is pretty low-key. Just to make some of you feel old, Emmanuel Lewis turned 40 this year.

2:12
Liz
No. I just thought you would be on my side. Yes we can. Obama ’08, remember?

Well, clearly Angie owes Liz, as Liz voted for Obama, a black Presidential candidate in the ‘08 election. “Yes we can” was popularized by his speeches and somewhat adopted as Obama’s campaign slogan.

2:32
Randi
Angie’s single release party is tomorrow night. It seems like the perfect place for me to reveal my shocking secret past.
Liz
No, we’re not writing a tearful admission of you being a call girl in Delaware. Write it yourself.
Randi
For your information I am a Christian Illiterate, so that’s not an option.

That’s just awesome. “Christian Illiterate?” I’m going to believe that’s a shot at the Christian Ignorance movement, which, although they don’t call themselves that, proudly defend all sorts of supposedly religiously-based retardation like young earth creationism, the Westboro Baptist “God Hates Fags” Church, and all manner of other anti-science bullshit.

2:59
Jenna
[subtitle: Jenna, Former Child Star] Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera? And maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course now. I mean, is wine throwing something that even gets on you a reality show? [cut to Portia throwing wine in D’Fwan’s face] [cut to Angie, D’Fwan, and Randi throwing wine in each other’s faces] [cut to Randi in a limo throwing wine in a German Shepard’s face]
Liz
Oh, Jenna, I told you not to buy that domain name. Say it out loud.
Jenna
Jennas-side. Jennas-side. I’m not hearing it, Liz.
Liz
[leaves in frustration]
Jenna
[tips Jennas-Side.com cap at the camera]

Nice! They actually made the whole Jennas-Side.com website. And unlike last episode’s JoanofSnark.com website where it was actually just a couple of screenshots that I (foolishly, because it was so damn long) typed out, I can just link to this one!

The “site’s” first blog post (it’s just a sub-site on nbc.com) starts October 15, 2009, and they even have comments from that far back… But if you look up the Jennas-Side.com site’s domain registration info it was created (by the “General Electric Company”) on January 20, 2011, so they may have just made up all of those articles to make it look like it’s been around for that long.

The site includes all sorts of fun stuff, including Jenna’s bio, her contract demands, filmography, and greatest hits video.

The website name is awesome, too. Spoken aloud, it’s “jennacide.” Cide is Latin for “cutter, killer, slayer,” so anything ending in “cide” (suicide, fratricide, infanticide) is killing of something (self, brother, and infant respectively). So her website name means “to kill Jenna.”

Oh and there’s also the super-obvious “genocide” pronunciation. Also funny;)

I also love that Jenna’s pronouncing camera as “cam-er-AH.” She started this in an earlier episode which reader Blake figured out was S04E07 “Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001.”

3:30
Toofer
Hey, guess who’s getting out of Jail?
Pete
[subtitle: Pete, Powerless Bald] I don’t know, but I hope they didn’t collect $200. [smiles at camera]

I just love the subtitles;)

And the joke is from the board game Monopoly’s Chance card reading “Go Directly to Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.” PRETTY FUNNY, PETE!

3:35
Toofer
Lynn Onkman. Remember her?
Pete
Oh sure, that hot teacher from Queens who had an affair with her student.

This is not an isolated incident. Female statutory rape of students has happened a lot, and there’s a big list of them. They range from the “scarred for the rest of your life” (looks like she’ll kill you and eat you when she’s done) type to the “luckiest bastard ever” (Miss Texas contestant) variety.

4:25
Jack
Lemon, a word? [pulls Liz into another room and starts whispering, which is all subtitled] This morning. I did not trip.
Liz
What? Yeah, you did-
Jack
Shh… You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that’s all you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings.

Hitler was quite an accomplished watercolor artist. Not sure why he gave it up. Oh right, world domination and genocide. Lesson to be learned: never abandon your hobbies.

4:53
Liz
What about our real problem? We need Tracy back but all Angie cares about are her own dumb projects. D’Fwan told me she’s the new spokeswoman for the Ham Council!
Jack
People do like the way she says “ham.”
Angie
[cutaway] Ham! [pronounced haa-yam]

LOVE the way she says ham, which has turned into a little mini Internet meme. Witness the 15 minute YouTube clip of her saying ham. Repeatedly. For 15 minutes.

5:04
Jack
Lemon, I want Tracy back too. Why do you think I suggested you oversee her performance tomorrow? Because you’re hip and know a lot about music?
Liz
I like bands. Like… Amy Grant.

Nice! Amy Grant was big in the 80s. Which matches perfectly with Liz’s… particular tates.

5:13
Jack
No. So you’d have a reason to spend time with Angie. Manipulate her. Play her like the Lake Course at the Olympic Club.
Liz
[looks confused]
Jack
A notoriously easy gold course. Force her to call Tracy.

Well, it’s a golf course all right. I can’t find anything that says if it’s particular easy or difficult though.

5:30
Liz
[fixes underwear-shirt snafu and walks back over to Angie] Wow! If only Tracy were here he’d be like “Damn, woman, I want to make love to your neck!”
Jack
Don’t do impressions of other races.
Liz
Roger that, Angie.

I had a suspicion Tracy actually said this at some point, but I can’t find a reference.

But that’s a good rule of thumb on the don’t-do-impressions-of-other-races thing.

6:10
Kenneth
[subtitle: Kenneth, Elderly Page] Mr. D’Fwan, Party City does not sell giant see-through clocks or Pegasus wings, so I got this paper pineapple instead.

More! MORE hints toward Kenneth being immortal. “Elderly Page?” Craziness. I want to know if someone decided at one point that there should be this Immortal Kenneth mystery, if the writers got together and decided that would be fun, or if one writer threw something in randomly and the others are having fun dropping hints here and there just to drive people insane who make obsessive blogs detailing every last nook and cranny of 30 Rock. Not that I know any.

6:31
Randi
Is this about what happened in Atlantic City. I didn’t say it.
D’Fwan
[flashback in limo with Blue Man Group member] You did.
Randi
[limo flashback] I didn’t say it.
D’Fwan
[limo flashback] You did.
Randi
[limo flashback] I DIDN’T SAY IT!
D’Fwan
[limo flashback] YOU DID!
Randi
I didn’t say it!
D’Fwan
You did.

I love that they randomly have a member of the Blue Man Group in between them.

[Update:] Reader Delilah, brave watcher of crappy reality TV, mentions this scene is lifted from The Real Housewives of New York City.

7:05
Dotcom
Michael, are you back on meth?
Michael
Mm mm! No, why you got some?

Michael is actually Angie’s meth addict nephew as introduced in S05E11 “Mrs. Donaghy.” And Jenna took Michael’s virginity (S05E13: “¡Qué Sorpresa!”). Hilarious.

7:31
Jack
When I was at Princeton I played baseball AND football. And back then football players went both ways.
Dotcom
Really? So you went both ways?
Jack
Yeah! We all did. It was the 70s.
Dotcom
So when you played baseball, were you ever on the DL?
Jack
Yeah. I was on the DL most of my junior year.
Dotcom
Mmmm.
Dotcom
[cutaway] DL can mean Disabled List. But it can also mean Down Low. Or secretly gay. Which one was Jack talking about?
Jack
When we were on the DL we spent most of our time in the whirlpool getting rubbed down.
Dotcom
You were a switch hitter?
Jack
Switch hitter. Pitcher. Catcher. Whatever the boys needed.
Jack
[cutaway] [subtitle: Jack, Tracy’s Gay Boss] I think I made my point.

I just wanted to point out there really isn’t a lot of trivia for me to look up in this episode! Maybe this episode’s accurate portrayal of the less-than-clever dialogue found in reality shows, but really, most things are explained at some point later in the show, including all of these references above. So I ain’t gonna do it;)

8:15
Jenna
I drank all the throwing wine and I have something to say to Portia. I know what you said about me.
Portia
Good. Because I’m concerned about you. Even thought we just met I can tell you’re an alcoholic.
Jenna
C’mon Portia, I want to fight.
Portia
I have battled my own demons and you need help.
Jenna
No. I don’t need any help. I am in denial about my disease and I don’t know what would change that.

I loved all of Jenna’s acting directly to the camera. And the facial emotions that varied between whatever she was pretending to feel to pure glee over all of the attention.

[Update:] Oops! Reader Sara corrected my crappy transcript. Jenna says “C’mon Portia, I want to fight.” I originally had it as “C’mon Portia, I don’t want to fight.” Of course she wants to fight! She’s Jenna, Ultimate Crazy Drama Queen Bitch!

9:03
Angie
I’m sorry, you want me to perform in this?!
Liz
Yeah. You’re Amy Grant from the Baby Baby video. The one where the man likes her at the carnival.
Angie
That’s some white nonsense.

Watch Amy Grant’s Baby Baby video. Watch it.

9:14
Liz
Too bad Tracy’s not here to take your side. He’d be like “Damn you, Liz Lemon!”
Angie
We discussed this, Elizabeth.

I also thought this was an actual line Tracy said, but I can’t find a reference.

9:32
Angie
Oh no. I must have mixed up the DVD discs. Och, well we’ll just have to watch it anyway and see what feelings arise.
Tracy
[wedding video] Angie! Just start!
Angie
[wedding video, police sirens in the background] Are you wearing handcuffs, Tracy?
Tracy
[wedding video] Can my friend Cheese come with us on our honeymoon?
Angie
[wedding video] What?! [hits Tracy with bouquet]
Liz
Okay I should have watched that first.

I used to own one of those tuxedo t-shirts Tracy is wearing. Not in the recent ironic hipster past, but when I was a teenager cuz I thought it was cool.

[Update:] Sharp-brained reader J Colman mentions: Cheese was part of the original TJ entourage in the first episodes before they cut it down to just Grizz and Dotcom in episode 15 of season 1. Young Larry and Fat Balls were also members. Cheese was last seen “rolling with Ghostface Killa” (source: S01E15 Hard Ball).

10:12
Frank
What else did you miss in prison? Oh, they kept remaking the Hulk and it kept getting worse.
Lynn Onkman
[laughs] Can we talk about something other than comic book movies?
Frank
Sure. Yeah. Uh…

Lies! Well, they keep remaking Hulk movies, and it got pretty bad, but the last one was awesome. In chronological order:

10:25
Lynn Onkman
I thought about you a lot when I was away. And I still remember the moment when we fell in love.
Frank
You were administering a scoliosis test to the class and you lingered on my spine.

Delicious. Scoliosis is a curvature of the spine and the test where you bend forward and have someone check for a prominence, imaginatively named the Adams Forward Bend Test. This test is commonly done on students.

10:59
Lynn Onkman
[pulls hand back]
Frank
What’s wrong?
Lynn Onkman
Oh, Frank. The boy I fell in love with was the most amazing eighth grader that I’ve ever met, and I couldn’t wait to meet the man that that boy became. But you haven’t grown. You’re still talking about superheroes and video games and why Seth… Logan shouldn’t have played the Green something.
Frank
Hornet! Yeah, and- and it’s Rogen.

All the cool adults love superheroes and videogames. Jeez.

The Green Hornet came out on January 14, 2011, a couple of months before this episode aired, and yes, starred the always hilarious Seth Rogen. It was written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, which is super awesome because Evan is my wife’s cousin. And a cool guy.

11:49
Jack
[title: Gay Jack] [blue screened flashback of him stumbling]
Jack
I thought this was a meeting to discuss your spin off where you do matchmaking for wealthy dogs.
D’Fwan
I lied. D’Fwan thinks that maybe you’re not being true to your you. I know what it’s like to live a lie. I used to be in the military but I was unfairly thrown out because I went berserk around all those dudes and tried to bang everybody.

A) I love Jack’s title;)
B) Usually gay men get unfairly thrown out of the military because of prejudice. Apparently having gay soldiers around makes straight soldiers nervous. Which is weird. I mean, they’re trained to KILL people. But even with a 1000-to-1 straight-to-gay advantage, a single gay man who’s on their side and probably not trying to sleep with them anyway makes them nervous?

[Update:] Reader Delilah mentions this references the reality show Millionaire Matchmaker.

12:12
Jack
It has come to my attention that some of what I said yesterday may have been misconstrued. “Going both ways” in football means playing offence and defence. And there is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. [singing] Oh the merry men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls- Okay I hear it now. Regardless, I’m not gay. Or clumsy. So your little show has nothing with which to embarrass me. [stands up to chair/farting sound] That was the chair. Here I’ll show you. [sits down and gets up a few times with no noise] It was the chair.

Princeton has a lot of fight songs. Jack’s version isn’t one of them, more’s the pity.

12:52
Jenna
What is this?
Pete
Jenna. Everyone here loves you very much but because of your drinking we feel like we’re losing you.
Jenna
Is this… an intervention?
Pete
We all agree it’s gone too far. Kenneth, Richard Esposito, your two psychics.

Richard F. Esposito is Jenna’s hair stylist on TGS. And 30 Rock. And his name is really Richard Esposito. He’s the department head hair stylist for the whole thing. That’s kind of awesome;) Kind of like how they use Subhas the janitor who is the real janitor at 30 Rock.

[Update:] Reader Delilah mentions “they’re referencing The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with the psychics. One of the ladies, Camille, invited one to a dinner party she had, and that psychic, like the two on 30 Rock, smoked an electronic cigarette. You can’t make this stuff up.”

13:50
Liz
[frantically using laptop] [swears repeatedly]
Angie
Scuse me, is that my computer?
Liz
No, I was just um… No, pinwheel, not now!

Ahhh the pinwheel. Also known as the Spinning Beach Ball of Death. It’s the Mac equivalent of the Windows hourglass, meaning the computer’s busy and you have to wait. It even has an entire website devoted to it.

15:18
Pete
Jenna, this is Charles. He has his van waiting outside.
Jenna
How nice.
Pete
He’s going to take you to the airport and then fly with you to the Alternatives Treatment Center in Minnesota.
Jenna
Well of course. Cuz that’s how interventions end. And I can’t back out now otherwise they can’t use any of this. Oh God!

Not a place. The closest I could find in Minnesota is The Retreat, offering the “alcohol treatment alternative.”

16:01
Frank
[shows up with a big box at Lynn’s fry station]
Lynn Onkman
[gasps] Oh, Frank! How did you know where I work.
Frank
It’s one of the benefits of being in love with a registered sex offender.
Lynn Onkman
Frank, about what happened at Randi’s, uh… strippercise studio, I-
Frank
No. You were right. I’ve been afraid to grow up.
Lynn Onkman
Well… Well- Whoa! What are you doing?
Frank
[throws toy into fryer] I’m throwing out my kid’s stuff. I want to become the man you waited for. The man you helped cheat on the Presidential Physical Fitness test. [puts comic book into fryer]
Lynn Onkman
Well if you didn’t get better in the shuttle run they were going to put you in the hospital.

Hey, this is a real thing! It’s “The President’s Challenge: Physical Fitness Test” and involves curl-ups, shuttle run (points for accuracy, 30 Rock), endurance run/walk, pull-ups (or right angle push-ups or flexed-arm hang), and v-sit reach (or sit and reach).

Before you say “what do you mean it’s a real thing? Of course it is! Didn’t you do it?” Well, no. I live in Canada. We had the Canada Fitness Test, where you could get a Gold (Excellence), Silver, Bronze, or the humiliating “ParticipAction Award,” a.k.a. “Thanks For Coming Out.” Apparently it exists no more and hasn’t been missed, so it’s now only a memory for grade school students in the 70s and 80s.

I’m pretty sure the first toy Frank throws into the deep fryer is Optimus Prime from Transformers. In truck form. No idea what generation.

The comic book he throws in is Marvel’s Avenger’s Academy #8. How do I know this? Because super awesome reader Blake pointed out that Marvel has posted a video response to this desecration of this fine piece of literature. It’s hilarious! Go watch.

16:35
Frank
[goes to put Skeletor in the fryer]
Lynn Onkman
Oh no! That’s your favourite, you can’t!
Frank
Skeletor’s not my favourite. You are. [drops Skeletor in the Fryer]

Skeletor is awesome. Mortal enemy of He-Man and all around blue badass with his wrestler physique and glow-in-the-dark-coloured skull, everyone wanted a Skeletor when they were kids. I’d still like a Skeletor.

17:59
Jack
Mmm hmm indeed, D’Fwan. I know who I am, so if you want to dance it would be my pleasure. [starts dancing awkwardly with D’Fwan]
D’Fwan
[cutaway] Yeah he’s straight. That boy can’t dance.
Jack
[cutaway] I know what D’Fwan said about me and it is on. I’m a superb dancer. At Princeton I played Maria in an all-male production of West Side Story. Oh, forget it! You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

An all-male version of West Side Story would be difficult. There are about 40 characters, 14 of which are girls.

Oh and it would be extraordinary gay.

19:54
Liz
Angie I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.
Angie
No. It’s not you, Liz Lemon. It’s them. [points to Lynn and Frank] I miss my weird love, but he won’t come back.
Liz
What?
Angie
I’ve been trying to get Tracy to come back ever since he left, but he won’t. So I sit and act like this is what I want, but what I really want is for everything to go back to the way it used to be. I just want to wake up in the morning and look over at my husband asleep on our neighbour’s roof.

Tracy sleeping on a neighbour’s roof is from all the way back to S01E01 “Pilot” and S01E02 “The Aftermath” when Jenna mentioned Tracy once fell asleep on Ted Danson’s roof.

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